Innocence

Dear Cassie,

How are you? Things are good here. Mom says to say hello for her and dad. I'm writing to you because we have to write letters to a friend for our English class assignment and I thought you might like to hear from your little sister. Plus I've always wanted a pen pal, so you're it. Don't you feel all special?

Things are good here. School is going good this year. Geography is my favourite so far. I don't like my math teacher. He's a jerk and he's really mean when you don't get the right answers in class. And he doesn't explain things very well, so you always get the wrong answers. I go over to Todd's and he helps me with my homework sometimes. He explains things better, so I actually manage to get my homework done. But then I go to class again and forget everything.

Last night was the first school dance. I didn't want to go because they're usually so lame and nobody dances but Robbie and Cait talked me into going. It was as stupid as I thought it would be. None of the boys would dance with me except Robbie and Ken MacIsaac, who likes me. I don't like him, though. He's got big thick glasses and he hangs out in the computer lab and he snorts when he laughs. It's so funny, and when we laugh at him he thinks we're laughing at his lame jokes, but really we're laughing because he sounds so stupid.

Todd and Debbie were over last night for dinner with the kids. We had meatloaf and salad and mom made apple pie for dessert. She never makes dessert when it's just us, but Todd always gets pie. Are you coming home for Christmas? I know its a long way away but since you won't be here for thanksgiving I want to know when you will be home. Also, do you know when Ken and Jeff will be home? I saw on their website that they're in Europe.

Speaking of music, have you heard the new Five Aces single? It's sweet! It's playing on the radio all the time here now. Cody does the lead vocals, and you know how I feel about his voice. Sometimes I put it on repeat and sing along, but Mom gets mad and makes me shut it off. She has no musical taste at. all.

Anyway, I think this is long enough so I'm going to go now but I will write you another time.

Love
Your (awesome) sister
Julie

PS Write back soon.

***

I walk down empty streets.
They are full of people
Only I can see

I don't know what is real
And what is vision.
Which is true
My sight or yours?

Okay, so it's mostly a quote from Anna's journal, but I feel it in my bones today. "I don't know what is real". Everything feels like it's at one remove from me. It's like I'm still asleep, but I'm wide awake.

Okay, there I go again. I know exactly what's wrong with me. It's cold and rainy outside and it's been dark all day. I don't do well without the sunlight. I had to run to the store to get milk for breakfast and I don't want to go out again. Of course, it doesn't help at all to know I'm probably just missing sunlight. I still feel all fogged up.

Plus, the mail came this morning with a letter from Julie in it. It's a little sparse on information, but we do talk on the phone at least once a week, so I guess she doesn't really have anything new to tell me about. I miss her. She misses me too, I think. She used to drive me nuts, but at least she made life interesting. Plus I feel like I should look out for her, and I really can't from here.

It also got me thinking about high school again. Back when things were normal. Well, things were normal when I was in university too. But high school just seems to be when I was the most normal. All Julie does is talk about boys and clothes and school. I miss life being that simple. I miss Jeff, too. I miss having a good friend I can talk to like we used to back then. I mean, I still talk to Jeff, but I can't remember the last time we really talked. There's so much I can't tell him now. I feel it every time I'm on the phone with him. I wonder if he feels it too. Probably not. Sometimes, as Kenny says, he's thick as a brick. Plus it's so different when we're so rarely face-to-face. I wish I could have taken him up on his offer of going on tour with them for a while. Maybe then we'd have a chance to just hang out again like we used to.

All right. If I sit here any longer and keep thinking like this everything's just going to get worse. I should get ready and go to work.

Right.

Cassie shut the computer down, but didn't start to get ready right away. The light in the apartment was dim and wintery, and she felt like nothing would be better than just crawling back into bed and sleeping the day away. Except that Philip was expecting her at the office, and she wanted to stop at the library afterward.

Damned obligations. Damned work. Damned everything.
And now Julie will expect a letter back from me.
I don't even know what I'll say to her.

She briefly considered taking out a pen and paper and writing back right then, but decided to put it off until the evening. Maybe something amusing would happen during the day that she could use to pad out the letter. Right now anything in her life that could even vaguely be qualified as "interesting" was something she'd prefer not to talk about. That wasn't a thought that pleased her.

Maybe a hot shower would make her feel less dismal. She headed for the bathroom.

By the time she was at school again, she didn't know why she'd bothered. Her hair was damp and wind-swept and frizzy again, and she was cold and miserable. She dropped her wet jacket and bag on the floor of the office and went to get a hot chocolate from the vending machine down the hall.

Philip wasn't in, or at least wasn't in yet. She suspected he was working from home today, not bothering to brave the rain until his night class. She couldn't really blame him. In the meantime, she kept herself busy with work left over from the day before.

She was walking to the copy room with a stack of papers when she noticed that the door to Professor MacDonald's office was open, but no one was inside. The door was still open as she was walking back, and even though she'd promised herself she wouldn't stare, Cassie found herself glancing inside curiously.

Dr. MacDonald was scrunched over her desk, nose in a notebook, scribbling furiously. It was such an oddly normal scene. Though, really, Cassie asked herself, what had she been expecting? As she passed the door, the corner of the office came into view. There was a large chair there, and in it, a small girl was curled up, knees to her chest, staring fixedly at the professor. She glanced up to look at Cassie, who turned away, trying not to look like she'd been staring.

She was a few steps past the office when the import of what she'd just seen hit her. Her stomach lurched and she stumbled, then hurried into Philip's office and closed the door quickly, rather louder than she meant to. She put the photocopies down absently and sat in the nearest chair, head in hands, willing herself to stop trembling.

It can't be.
It wasn't.
It's just another girl.
She must have two daughters.

As she told herself these things, though, she knew she was just lying to herself.

God help me. I can't take this.

She searched around the office for a box of Kleenex, finally finding them under Philip's desk. Her hands were still trembling. She locked the office door. At least if he came in she'd have the warning of the key in the lock to gain some composure.

She had her head down on the desk, just trying to breathe evenly, when she heard it. She raised her head up slowly, both expecting and not wanting to see the small figure in front of her.

Cassie met the eyes of a murdered child.

***

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